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<p>WESTON, CT—Visibly shocked and repulsed by her own behavior as she sat questioning the type of person she is deep down, unsettled 2-year-old Ellie Ritter admitted to reporters that she had no idea what compelled her to bite her friend on the face Thursday. “I honestly don’t know what came over me. I know Jacob took the train I was playing with, but I usually handle that kind of thing okay—but this time I...I bit him,” said a shaken and bewildered Ritter, sitting wide-eyed on a floor mat at her daycare as she vehemently asserted that she had no prior knowledge of this dark, disturbing place within her. “I mean, this is Jacob we’re talking about. He’s my friend, my playmate. And I just went straight for his forehead like an animal. Jesus, what is wrong with me?” At press time, the unnerved toddler was staring uneasily down at her trembling, fingerpaint-covered hands and contemplating what other horrors she was capable of. -The Onion</p></span> | <p>WESTON, CT—Visibly shocked and repulsed by her own behavior as she sat questioning the type of person she is deep down, unsettled 2-year-old Ellie Ritter admitted to reporters that she had no idea what compelled her to bite her friend on the face Thursday. “I honestly don’t know what came over me. I know Jacob took the train I was playing with, but I usually handle that kind of thing okay—but this time I...I bit him,” said a shaken and bewildered Ritter, sitting wide-eyed on a floor mat at her daycare as she vehemently asserted that she had no prior knowledge of this dark, disturbing place within her. “I mean, this is Jacob we’re talking about. He’s my friend, my playmate. And I just went straight for his forehead like an animal. Jesus, what is wrong with me?” At press time, the unnerved toddler was staring uneasily down at her trembling, fingerpaint-covered hands and contemplating what other horrors she was capable of. -The Onion</p></span> | ||
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Revision as of 20:34, 16 July 2015
NAME OF PROJECT
We are the Harvard iGEM team of 2015.
It's been an interesting summer together...
A real description will be added eventually... until then...
PICTURES
The Students
WESTON, CT—Visibly shocked and repulsed by her own behavior as she sat questioning the type of person she is deep down, unsettled 2-year-old Ellie Ritter admitted to reporters that she had no idea what compelled her to bite her friend on the face Thursday. “I honestly don’t know what came over me. I know Jacob took the train I was playing with, but I usually handle that kind of thing okay—but this time I...I bit him,” said a shaken and bewildered Ritter, sitting wide-eyed on a floor mat at her daycare as she vehemently asserted that she had no prior knowledge of this dark, disturbing place within her. “I mean, this is Jacob we’re talking about. He’s my friend, my playmate. And I just went straight for his forehead like an animal. Jesus, what is wrong with me?” At press time, the unnerved toddler was staring uneasily down at her trembling, fingerpaint-covered hands and contemplating what other horrors she was capable of. -The Onion
GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie. “After a careful analysis of our prospective returns, we have opted to reassign all of our hopes and dreams for the future from our firstborn to our second child, effective as of 9 a.m. this morning,” said Beth Morgan, who claimed that their 16-year-old son’s inadequate progress in areas such as effective decision-making and academic achievement were the catalyst for his removal as the recipient of their emotional investment. “While we thank Jeremy for his years as the primary bearer of our expectations, in the long run we feel Angie is the right choice to attain professional success and relationship stability, give us grandchildren, and ultimately, provide us the parental satisfaction we have been looking for.” The Morgans added that although they no longer retain any stake in Jeremy’s future, he will be kept on for several years to serve as an example to Angie to deter any potential waste of resources. -The Onion
NEW YORK—Following an evening of heavy drinking at local bar McGuire’s Tavern, 32-year-old Peter Larsen reportedly awoke with a hangover Wednesday and was horrified to discover he had made dozens of plans the previous night. “Oh, God, I can’t believe I said I’d get lunch with Emily and told Scott that I’d hang out next weekend,” said Larsen, rubbing his temples and lamenting that he never should have let himself get so out of control and recklessly commit to numerous social obligations. “I just hope I didn’t say anything stupid to someone from work about how I’d love to catch the new Fantastic Four with them when it comes out. It’s bad enough that I kept going on and on to Jeff about going on a camping trip together in August.” At press time, Larsen had reportedly resolved that in the future, he would stop drinking as soon as he noticed himself beginning to talk loudly about going in together on a beach house rental on Long Island. -The Onion