Team:Harvard BioDesign/Team

ATLANTA—Casually holding the drink between her index finger and thumb, a Delta Airlines flight attendant is at this moment trying to pass a cup of cranberry juice over your laptop, sources aboard the aircraft have confirmed. The plastic receptacle, which is filled nearly to the brim and rippling due to mild turbulence, is reportedly being extended across your expensive and relatively new laptop in the direction of the person seated next to you, who is currently nodding off and unaware his beverage has arrived. As the flight attendant leans in, dangling the juice above the computer containing work files and family photos you have not backed up anywhere else, witnesses are reporting that a passenger two seats behind you is trying to squeeze by both her and the beverage cart. Sources added that all of this is happening as the plane speeds at 500 miles per hour 40,000 feet above the earth. At press time, the person next to you was seen attempting to accept the drink and pass back a credit card with the same hand. -The Onion

WASHINGTON—Declaring that this is the last time they ever hope to speak of the aggravatingly enigmatic substance, astronomers from NASA announced Thursday that they are just going to go ahead and say that dark matter is nitrogen. “Look, nitrogen is a pretty stable element that’s fairly inert, so we’re ready to just come out and say that’s probably what makes up about 85 percent of the matter in our universe and finally move on,” said Dr. Louis Marshall at a morning press conference, adding that, after spending millions of dollars and countless hours over the past eight decades trying to solve its mysteries, scientists are “completely fucking finished” with the astronomical phenomenon. “It’s a nice odorless gas that’s plentiful in our atmosphere and our galaxy, and that’s good enough for us. So there, we figured it out. Any questions?” Before walking away from the lectern, an exhausted Marshall added that dark energy was gravity and that the formula for a grand unified theory was E=10.-The Onion

WESTON, CT—Visibly shocked and repulsed by her own behavior as she sat questioning the type of person she is deep down, unsettled 2-year-old Ellie Ritter admitted to reporters that she had no idea what compelled her to bite her friend on the face Thursday. “I honestly don’t know what came over me. I know Jacob took the train I was playing with, but I usually handle that kind of thing okay—but this time I...I bit him,” said a shaken and bewildered Ritter, sitting wide-eyed on a floor mat at her daycare as she vehemently asserted that she had no prior knowledge of this dark, disturbing place within her. “I mean, this is Jacob we’re talking about. He’s my friend, my playmate. And I just went straight for his forehead like an animal. Jesus, what is wrong with me?” At press time, the unnerved toddler was staring uneasily down at her trembling, fingerpaint-covered hands and contemplating what other horrors she was capable of. -The Onion

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie. “After a careful analysis of our prospective returns, we have opted to reassign all of our hopes and dreams for the future from our firstborn to our second child, effective as of 9 a.m. this morning,” said Beth Morgan, who claimed that their 16-year-old son’s inadequate progress in areas such as effective decision-making and academic achievement were the catalyst for his removal as the recipient of their emotional investment. “While we thank Jeremy for his years as the primary bearer of our expectations, in the long run we feel Angie is the right choice to attain professional success and relationship stability, give us grandchildren, and ultimately, provide us the parental satisfaction we have been looking for.” The Morgans added that although they no longer retain any stake in Jeremy’s future, he will be kept on for several years to serve as an example to Angie to deter any potential waste of resources. -The Onion

NEW YORK—Following an evening of heavy drinking at local bar McGuire’s Tavern, 32-year-old Peter Larsen reportedly awoke with a hangover Wednesday and was horrified to discover he had made dozens of plans the previous night. “Oh, God, I can’t believe I said I’d get lunch with Emily and told Scott that I’d hang out next weekend,” said Larsen, rubbing his temples and lamenting that he never should have let himself get so out of control and recklessly commit to numerous social obligations. “I just hope I didn’t say anything stupid to someone from work about how I’d love to catch the new Fantastic Four with them when it comes out. It’s bad enough that I kept going on and on to Jeff about going on a camping trip together in August.” At press time, Larsen had reportedly resolved that in the future, he would stop drinking as soon as he noticed himself beginning to talk loudly about going in together on a beach house rental on Long Island. -The Onion

Team:Harvard BioDesign/Team

We are the Harvard iGEM team of 2015.
It's been an interesting summer together...

PICTURES

The Students

The Mentors